Rivalry Week

It Utah, it's Rivalry Week, also known as the Holy War, also known as BYU getting ready to lay the smackdown on the pathetic Utes of Utah. In honor of this, I thought I would tell a curious story that only a few people seem to know, about the athletic departments at BYU and Utah. As I heard it:

Tom Holmoe had just been made one of BYU's four interim athletic directors and was looking at a pretty sorry program. Elaine Michaelis, the Women's AD, had been fired along with Val Hale, the Men's AD, the basketball program was losing steam, the football team was in complete disarray. He needed advice. "I know," he thought, "I'll go talk to Chris Hill, the AD at Utah. He seems to know what he's doing."

So early last December, he went up to Hill's office, and Hill was more than happy to see him. Holmoe asked him what he was doing that had made Utah so good recently. Hill showed him a red phone on the side of his desk. "It's great. All I do is pick it up and order. Watch this." And he picked up the phone.

Immediately there was a puff of smoke and a demon appeared. "What do you wish, sir?" he said to Hill. Hill said "I don't want Kyle Whittingham to go to BYU. He needs to stay here as our head coach. Make him take our offer." The demon smiled and said "Done," and disappeared. A few minuteslater the phone rang. It was Whittingham, accepting the job with the Utes.

"That's incredible," Holmoe said. "But it has to be expensive."

"Not at all," Hill said. He pulled out a sheet of paper from his desk. "Here's the bill." There were several charges for .35, for calls about the Fiesta Bowl, the game against BYU, getting Rick Majerus to leaveUCLA in shame, stuff like that, but the total was less than $10.

"This is amazing," Holmoe said. "How do I get one of those phones?"

Hill said, "Here. Take this card. They'll come and set you right up."

So Holmoe did. The demons started appearing right on cue. "I want Bronco Mendenhall as our head football coach." Poof! "I want to be Athletic Director." Poof! "I want Steve Cleveland to have a miserable season as the basketball coach and quit." Poof! "I want Dave Rose to take over andinstall an offense people will actually want to watch." Poof!

But one day, another imp appeared without Holmoe picking up the phone. He was holding a bill. It was for $72,000. "What!" Holmoe screamed,"What a ripoff! I can't believe this!"

He called up Chris Hill and read him the riot act. "What are you doing to me! I just got my bill and it's outrageous! I thought you told me allthese calls were practically free!"

Hill thought for a second. "Oh, man," he said. "I totally forgot. Those are the long-distance charges."

"Long distance charges? What are you talking about? There weren't any long-distance charges on your bill."

"Yeah, that's right," Hill said. "But you gotta remember, from the U, Hell is a local call."

* * *

I first heard that joke in Hungary, where they were telling it about the East Germans. Like all really good jokes, though, it works for whatever situation you need it for.

Sorry Wells. Get your own blog.